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Some people think the Internet is responsible for all the trouble in the world. We’re not quite ready to go that far. But it sure has made it easier for people to bother each other.

Case in point: Spam. The term, spam, which refers to unsolicited electronic messages, is reputed to have been adopted from Hormel’s canned pig product of the same name. (And why not? The stuff has its own museum, for cryin’ out loud.)

Au contraire. The term, SPAM, actually is an acronym, comprising the first letters of this phrase: surveys particularly are malicious. Here’s why:

The Internet has spawned a veritable plethora of survey-software sites. Given the ubiquity of the ‘Net, you can be sure there’s no shortage of users for all of them. And while LinkedIn (the professional/social media platform everyone loves to hate) apparently has opted to eliminate its native surveying capabilities, Facebook does have an app with which you can create custom surveys to annoy your family and friends. One can only imagine:

If I have a particularly heinous gaseous expulsion while driving my car, I should:

A. Call my buddies so we can laugh our asses off
B. Keep the windows rolled up so I can enjoy it tomorrow
C. Plug in the cigarette lighter to see if the car explodes
D. All of the above
E. None of the above

If you happen to be one of the odd few who really enjoys SPAM — or even if you’re a gastroenterologist — it’s not likely you’ll find a survey like that particularly constructive or serving some higher purpose. In fact, the Internet Data Investigation Office Testing Service (IDIOTS) recently conducted an independent, constructive, and higher-purpose-serving survey, the results of which indicated most Internet users prefer other activities to receiving SPAM, the top three of which were:

  1. Taking a beating
  2. Setting themselves on fire
  3. Getting in a closed car after a particularly heinous gaseous expulsion.

The IDIOTS survey was conducted on a closed course by professional polltakers. You shouldn’t try it at home. And your results may vary. But we strongly suggest you put down the SPAM (and the surveys) and leave your fellow Internet users alone.